Hi all,
Remembering that trespasses are the injury against a person, and sins are against God, it means the struggle to forgive is two-fold:
First, we must make the decision to forgive their guilt towards us, for Jesus said ‘As you stand praying, forgive.” This means forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion. That decision clears the person of guilt towards us, but does not clear them of their guilt before God nor the injury they inflicted.
As Paul demonstrated
When he said of Alexander the Coppersmith, ‘God will deal with him according to what he did”, it shows there are some people you forgive their guilt towards you (trespass), but want the Lord to deal with them for their guilt before Him and their injury they did to you.
Look at this example from The Revelation 6: 9-11, where the apostle John sees thousands in heaven who had been murdered for faith in Christ: “How long O Lord holy and true, before you judge and avenge our murders from those still alive on earth?”
These Christian people are already in heaven, and they were still wanting the people who murdered them to face justice. That’s not unforgiveness, that is expecting accountability for their actions, which is just and right.
Our choice
When Steven was being stoned to death at the end of Acts 7, he asked the Lord not to hold those who killed him accountable for that sin. When Jesus was on the cross He asked the Father not to hold the men who crucified Him responsible, for they didn’t realize what was truly happening.
There may be some you asking the same thing – Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. But there may be others like Alexander the Coppersmith where you like Paul or the martyrs in heaven: The Lord will deal with them according to what they’ve done or asking how long until He judges them.
Either way you choose, you still must make the decision to forgive. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” “As you stand praying, forgive, if you hold something against anyone.” (Luke 11: 4, Mark 11: 25-26) That’s their guilt, but it doesn’t resolve the injury. Some people we want God to deal with them about the injury they inflicted on us and their guilt before Him.
Make the decision to forgive. But it may take years, decades, to work through the injury they caused. Your emotions are hurting due to what they did. Being angry or feeling hurt is not a sign you haven’t forgiven, because forgiveness is a decision.
This is how you work through it
I was 3 months away from 12 years old when my dad sat we 4 kids down and told us he and mom were getting a divorce. Not knowing what that meant, my 5 year old sister said she didn’t understand. He said: “I’m divorcing your mom, and I’m divorcing you kids. I won’t be here for Christmas or holidays or birthdays or ball games or school events.” He wasn’t trying to be mean, but in 1969 and in our world, none of us knew anyone who was divorced. He was just direct.
I was the oldest at almost 12, then we were 10, 7, and 5, and I had seen a growing distance between them for the last year or so, but didn’t know what it meant. Dad as it turned out, married a woman with 2 children of her own, with the condition he would raise her two as his own, having nothing to do with his own 4 children. He kept his word to her for the most part.
My next youngest brother and I kept track of the broken promises up to about 23 before we lost count: “Be ready after school I’ll come by and take you for some ice cream” or “Look for me, I’ll be at your ball game today” and such. He didn’t keep a single promise.
I am thankful to my heavenly Father for He provided several fathers of friends my age who included me in their family events. But I was searching for a father that whole time. With the divorce I dropped out of everything I was in ages 12-16. I dropped out of art class, swimming, Boy Scouts, SCUBA lessons, flying lessons, flunked the first semester of 9th grade algebra – I just didn’t care. When I believed on the Lord at age 16 and got to know Him and the Father, my apathy towards school and life disappeared in an instant.
By the time I could drive dad had a rule. The rule was when we’d meet to talk of college and to talk through the divorce, I could only meet him secretly at his office. I had to park in back and come in the back employee entrance.
He would start and end every meeting saying this: “Remember, ____ (his wife) must never know about this meeting. If she ever finds out I will deny it, so this is between us.” I shared the Lord with him nearly every meeting, but he had a response for why he didn’t believe.
That’s a horrible burden to put on a 16 year old, meeting dad in secret, but the Father helped me. Even with those conditions, I made the decision to forgive my dad for everything when I was 16. I watched mom struggle to pay the bills. I watched our priest discreetly give her cash or quietly pay our utility bills now and then. But I would bring my thoughts and emotions back to my decision.
How I worked through the emotions
Between the time he left when I was almost 12, and the time I believed on the Lord, was 4 years or at that point, 1/3 to 1/4 of my young life. To me, dad had been a great dad. He taught me how to shake hands, how to polish my shoes, how to handle money (what little there was for a kid in the 1960’s), about manners when a guest in someone’s home, and how to talk to adults.
He was grooming me to either take over the family business or be a success in business. He also taught me to sail, entrusting me at age 8 with a Sunfish (small sailboat) way out on the lake where our summer cottage was. He taught me to handle a pocket knife, how to handle basic tools and such. He taught me that if you borrow something you always return it in at least as good a shape as you received it. He taught me to leave a campsite or motel room as good or better than when you than you found it. When we were camping and it was time to go home, he trained me to walk the whole camp site picking up trash, even if it wasn’t ours – leave it in better condition than when you found it. I live by that to this day.
To me he was a great dad who threw it all away.
I didn’t understand adult issues back then, so once I made the decision to forgive, the Father God would bring to remembrance childhood events, good or bad, and with each one I knew to say “I forgive”. Either for the hurt he caused by excessive punishment, or for the loss of the good times like I described above: “I forgive.”
Working through all those emotions went on for 10 years. I would have a quiet moment and a memory would surface: “I forgive”. Sometimes one of my siblings would bring up an incident from their memory, and the old anger would surface in me. After agreeing with my sibling from being all stirred up, I would calm down, return to my initial decision to forgive, and though I didn’t feel like it, mumbled out loud: “I forgive.”
When I was 26, married with 2 boys and 1 on the way…
The final thing I was still angry about surfaced. I was angry my teen years with dad were missing. They could never be returned to me. He stole those years by his decision. I was angry.
I remember distinctly the moment I came to peace with it. I was in our house, watching the kids and the dog and my wife who was fixing dinner as I picked up around the house, and realized I had a good life and things my dad chose to give up – a great family who loved each other and was in the Lord. And I was suddenly okay and at peace with my missing teenage years.
It felt like a load was lifted off my emotions. All the memories remained, but none of the pain. I’ve learned that’s how I know, and anyone reading this can know that they are healed – the memories remain but there is no longer any pain associated with them.
The next thing that happened shocked me. Immediately upon this revelation the Father broke into my thoughts and said: “Call your dad and ask him to forgive you.” I was shocked. I knew I had said and even written things to him as a teen, as any angry teen might do. But I hadn’t talked to him in 6 years. He didn’t want contact with us and I honored his wishes. But I made that call:
“Hey dad, this is John, how are you doing?” “Fine.” “Dad, I need to ask you to forgive me for anything I have said or done to you.” (Silence for several seconds) “Dad. Do you?” (Short silence.) “Very well.” “You do! Thank you! Hope you and ____ have a Merry Christmas.” “Very well.” “Bye dad.” (Click) That was the conversation as best as I can remember it. He said ‘Very well’ 2 or 3 times and that’s all he said. But it was enough.
I had completed the loop so to speak. I made the decision to forgive. Additionally, I had asked the Father to forgive him for the divorce as it related to me (that is within my authority, but it is not in my authority to ask on behalf of my siblings, that is their choice). And I had done what I could to make it right horizontally for any trespass I had committed against him.
Though we haven’t talked in decades,
My dad could call me today and we would start clean and fresh without a single hint of any anger or resentment in my heart – in my heart we are back to that simple father-son relationship we had when I was 8 or 10.
That’s how I worked through the forgiveness process. It took 10 years of each memory that came up being brought back to my original decision as a 16 year old to forgive, but I did it. Very often Christians think it is the devil bringing up old memories to torment them.
And that can be the case, but in my experience, if you will look for it, you’ll find that very often it is actually the Father God bringing these memories to you so you can bring those emotions and that injustice you feel, captive to the obedience of Christ. Bringing them back to your original decision to forgive.
And that’s how it works…hope this has. been a blessing. New subject next week.
Until then, blessings,
John Fenn
