Hi all,
I ended part 1 with a word to adult children asking what was in it for us as parents?
Neither children nor parents owe perfection to each other.
But the idea that parents don’t owe their children perfection flies in the face of social media, which advocates cutting off communication with the parents. Parents don’t owe children perfection; in fact, it is that imperfection that makes it possible for God’s grace to be woven within and throughout the family dynamic. There are no perfect parents, there are no perfect children.
The hurt a parent feels when an adult child ‘cancels’ them (cuts off contact) is, in part, because that parent loves their child and still wants to protect them from the evil in the world. But it’s more than that. A mother of 4 girls told me that when her girls were arguing it was difficult for her to decide who was right, because each of her girls had part of her in them, and she could see each one’s point of view.
It isn’t just the empty seat(s) at the dinner table; part of you left when they left. Part of you went with them when they cut off contact. That’s why you feel a piece of you is missing – it is. That’s also why they feel all alone, masking their hurt by cutting off contact, for they feel part of them is with you too, mom and dad.
They may have justifiable hurts from your (parental) actions. But they often fear going to their parents because they think they will be yelling and shouting and it go horribly wrong. Parents in this situation need to be the parent, the bigger person, the more gracious for they want to bring that part of themselves back into the family. Sit down, keep the emotions in check, acknowledge mistakes and hurts caused by your words or actions, be transparent and honest, and talk…
Cutting parental contact has consequences in the rest of their lives.
The 10 Commandments are divided into 2 parts: Loving God, and loving your neighbor. The first 4 Commandments have to do with loving God, the last 6 are led by ‘honor your father and mother.’
The remaining 5 are traced directly back to their core value in honoring mom and dad: You shall do no murder, which would dishonor your parents. You will not commit adultery, which dishonors your parents, you will not steal, you will not lie, you will not covet (lust) for things that aren’t yours – all those find their core values in honoring mom and dad, honoring the family.
The 613 laws of Moses are summed up in the 10 Commandments, which are summed up in 2 categories: Loving God, loving others. When mom and dad are dishonored, a spiritual door opens for that child to suffer the rest of those commands – more on this later – but know that once they open the door, they are likely to be stolen from, betrayed, lied to, and more….more later on that.
Honor doesn’t mean obey.
Honoring those who brought you into the world is the foundation of this command. It isn’t about obedience, especially for adult children. It’s about creation, that God used them to conceive you and He gave you life at that moment.
In an act of one’s will, by assigning honor to them you honor God who honored your conception by giving you life. It doesn’t mean you suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy about them. You may have nothing in common at this point. You may detest their lifestyle. Honoring them means recognizing that without them you wouldn’t be here, and giving them that – just that perhaps – that they gave you life.
An adult child, perhaps starting in the teen years, stops going to mom and dad for advice. They run to others for guidance, advice, counsel. They look to social media and others who feel as they do to justify pulling away from mom and dad.
When Solomon died, his son Rehoboam became king, in I Kings 12: 6-11. He consulted with the wise older men who had advised his father, and then turned aside to ‘those he grew up with’. They gave him bad counsel, selfish counsel, words that fed his ego and lust for attention and power.
That’s what’s happening today in social media; young adults are forsaking the wisdom of their parents to take advice from ‘those they grew up with’, who feed ego and tell them what they want to hear, not what is wise. They have no ability or have lost the ability and desire to filter out the bad stuff to glean the good and helpful from their childhood.
It is easier to make mom and dad the villains and blame them for every hurt inside them.
How many adult children have seen their parents die before reconciliation has been made? All because no one was willing to talk through hurt from some old argument(s). At some point that child has to realize it is a good thing to have a parent to argue with. They need that perspective. They need that point of view. They need that voice of experience. God uses our parents in the good and bad, to form us into successful adults.
A convention of twins
A twin convention was held some years ago that included a survey. In the convention were 2 brothers. One brother was an attorney, married, stable in life. His twin had been through a couple of divorces, battled alcoholism, had a hard time keeping a job. One survey question was: What event most shaped your life?
Both men wrote the same answer: “My father died when I was 12.”
One had used that as a means to better himself, the other allowed that event to destroy him. ‘Cancel culture’ tells adult children their wounds and pains and trauma in childhood destroyed them. If they believe that, they will never know how the Lord could have turned those hurts into precious stepping stones to stronger character in Christ, and happiness and blessing in life. Sometimes it’s too hard to say to mom and dad; “You were right.” In those cases they are angry at themselves for the choices they’ve made, but turn that anger outward to mom and dad so they don’t have to make hard decisions.
We are turning the corner towards healing, and we’ll head in that direction next week.
Until then,
Blessings,
John Fenn
